First comes pencil, then comes sentence; Then come decades of repentance. fly by night, flow by note vive la dissonance map spam another newscaster slip: “perpetrate his legacy” for “perpetuate his legacy” noxious nixies The path of righteousness is straight and narrow; that’s how you can tell that it’s evil. Here’s the church, and here’s […]

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…that you can eat fruits and vegetables?  Many of the unfamiliar items you avoid in the grocery store are harmless plant products that are surprisingly tasty and nutritious.  Although they are sold without branding or packaging, they are perfectly safe to eat.  If the lack of packaging upsets you, you can make your own at […]

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I once had a group of French citizens in my apartment.  They were showering Americans with invective, so I replied by mocking the French.  They all told me, with genuine indignation, how rude I was to so insult my guests. Must I buy another bugle? I should try to be more frugal. There’s a thin […]

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If you want your work commercial, Go for pseudo-controversial. a musical phenakistascope: the notes move on the staff a rodeo on the radio Even as a child, I was baffled by the idea of Hell: how could fire hurt disembodied souls? What a pretty puffin! Polly want a muffin? What a pretty quetzal! Polly want […]

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You must not shred that pretty poster And jam the pieces in the toaster. a film in which the camera operator falls asleep Summer is often called journalism’s “silly season,” because there are more stories about animals or forteana, rather than serious subjects like politics. a musical pangram: a piece that uses every note of […]

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a crossword puzzle in which each word is in a different language I’ve often, when it comes to art, felt You bore me with your mawkish “heart-felt.” I’d rather hear the thoughts your mind thought: Forget your “feelings”; get behind thought. Dammit, Jesus; now I have to wash my hair in zinfandel. a neglected form: […]

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Do you want the hostile hospital or the hospitable hospital? the non-simile: the glass is as clear as glass The Devil’s tail is so prehensile That it can wield both pen and pencil. I was in Rome during a Scotland-Italy soccer match; the city swarmed with stocky Scots in kilts and singlets. One commandeered the Spanish Steps […]

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We seldom find unfettered science: It takes instructions from its clients. Make a Gideon Bible with a flipbook on the bottom of some of its pages. Today I faced a bottleneck on a crowded sidewalk, because one of my fellow citizens refused to walk to the right. “I always pass on the left,” he snarled, […]

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Just do your work and don’t be lazy, Like Giambattista Piranesi. The only drawback of vegetarianism is always being preached at by ghouls. All human speech is monkey chatter; It makes no sense; it doesn’t matter. A woman recently upbraided me for writing a song that didn’t rhyme. I tried to explain that not all […]

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You should always wash the hand which You will use to hold the sandwich. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who joke that there are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don’t; and those who don’t. My […]

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