Get busy, scientists!  Count those stars!

Recently, an elderly woman approached me at a market in upstate New York to upbraid me for wearing black.  “You must admit that it’s unusual,” she snapped.  I tried to tell her that it wasn’t, really, but it was no use: obviously, she knew better.

A little wine will soothe the colic;
Too much will make you alcoholic.

A picture is worth a thousand bucks.

Don’t piss on the sidewalk!  Put that back!

Which came first, the chicken or the salmonella?

Some people sneer that the only tangible result of our space program was the instant drink Tang.  This is unfair: the space program did not develop Tang.

Is Popeye a pop icon?

Make a Gideon Bible with a soundchip, so that it plays something when opened: “Happy Birthday,” for example.

The Sphinx lost her nose from syphilis.

Here’s a spoon, round as the moon;
Here’s a fork, light as a cork;
Here’s a knife, straight as a fife;
Here’s a plate, flat as a grate;
And here’s lunch.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

For some reason, there have been many children’s card games with a fish motif.  I wasn’t aware that children had any particular affinity for fish; I don’t remember having any strong feelings either for or against them when I was a kid.  Maybe graphic designers just like working with them.

At any rate, we initiate here a brief survey of fish games.  Our first example is a standard deck of cards, except that the cards are shaped like fish, and the aces and face cards are marine animals.  Curiously, only one is a fish: the seahorse, the king.  The jacks are crabs, the queens dolphins, and the aces octopi.

The deck is distributed by Amscan, and comes in a lovely fish-shaped box.  And here’s the back:

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

Something fell from my body cavity; I hope it wasn’t hurt by gravity.

amateur / maturer

Are you going to finish that hemlock?

This evening, I heard a pundit on the radio say “re-citizen” instead of “recidivism.”

To err is human, to forgive human.

Stonehenge was built to support a circus tent.

Is it true what they say about orthodoxy?

I like living with boxes: they’re like treasure chests, filled with ephemera, artifacts, stereo cards, vintage magazines.  It’s too bad they’re all right angles, though; I’d prefer something more biomorphic, like shells, skulls, or coconuts.

The Virgin Mary is kind of scary.

Just because you haven’t heard of something doesn’t mean that it’s obscure; there are other explanations.

A butterfly is unfettered, but your fly is unzippered.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

The European experiment in unified currency, the euro, has proven problematic.  One of the main difficulties has been the imposition of standard regulations and controls on such diverse cultures and economies.

Like the European Union, the United States is — as the name explicitly reminds us — an organized coalition of states, each with its particular strengths and frailties, and each with a very different economy.  Perhaps it’s time to take a lesson from the European experiment, and to abandon the idea of a central and standardized currency.  Let us consider the possible advantages of dissolving our federal monetary system, and instating fifty state systems.

One of the main benefits of this change would be the creation of new jobs.  The fluctuating rates of exchange would need to be monitored, controlled, documented, and disseminated.  New financial instruments, predicated on these unpredictable variations, could present fresh profit opportunities for inventive financiers.  The design, production, and distribution of the new currencies would offer additional employment at a local level.  Both Wall Street and Main Street would benefit.

Experiments in local currencies, so far limited to small towns and communities, have already demonstrated the feasability of the model.  And we have a first step, ready for implementation, in the production of commemorative quarters for each state.  These coins are already minted and circulating; and could easily serve to initiate the separate economies.

New coins and bills will be the next step.  They can celebrate regional cultural or political icons, landmarks, customs, and wildlife.  The states of New England, for example, may wish to remember their literary history.  Texas may prefer to promote its rich heritage of capital punishment.  States in the “Bible Belt” might select designs with evangelical motifs.  And, given the increasing popularity of intolerant partisanship, many citizens will be relieved that they no longer need handle money bearing portraits of politicians from the rival faction.  Furthermore, astute state mints may wish to introduce trademarked characters or mascots, with the commercial potential of tie-ins and merchandising.

All politics, as the old saying goes, are local; and states’ rights have long been popular with the American electorate throughout the political spectrum.  Since all politics are also financial, perhaps it’s time that we took that next step, acknowledged our differences, and erected a few financial barriers.  After all, as another old saw has it, “good fences make good neighbors.”  And good neighbors build strong economies.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

These “Fractions Flash Cards” are from 1962; the publisher is Whitman.  The instruction card informs us that we can also use them to play a game called “Halt.”  In case you’re stumped, by the way, this image shows one third.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

Common sense tells us the earth is flat, the universe rotates around it, and everyone loves us.

Take my lariat — I can’t carry it.

If you all talk at once, you won’t have to listen.

We may have to accept that it’s no longer possible to monetize intellectual property.  Artists are expected to hold down jobs sitting at a computer, to earn the money for the expensive digital gizmos they need to give away their work on the internet.

I once heard an English teacher denounce, dogmatically, musicians who can read music.

Where there’s smoke, there’s coughing.

A theremin marathon.

American voters expect and respect deception from their politicians; candor is unprofessional.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and the world laughs at you.

The story of George Washington and the cherry tree was a hoax; this proves that Washington didn’t exist.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, what’s that smell?

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

“72 Pictured Party Stunts” was published by Whitman in 1935.  And it’s just that: a series of actions to be performed by party guests.  As the instructions explain, “Anyone who fails to perform satisfactorily may be penalized by being tickled by everybody, running the gauntlet, being locked in a dark closet, or submitting to some similar hardship.”  I would probably sit this one out.  The pictures are spirited, however; and for once an artist is credited: Garland G. Bryant.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

A fly’s on my icewater; hand me my flyswatter.

Most people don’t mean well; they mean nothing at all.

Make a Gideon Bible that just says “Gideon,” over and over, on every page.

A fox spied a crow with a morsel of cheese in his beak.  The fox praised the crow’s voice, but the crow easily saw through this ruse.  The fox farted; and the crow laughed, dropping the cheese to the fox below.  MORAL: it is unwise to listen to flatulence.

The universe is expanding: that’s why the fossils of prehistoric animals are so large.

Jesus died upon the cross,
In excruciating pain.
His loss,
Our gain.

It’s not fair to say that politics is show business for ugly people; actors are ugly too, in their own way.

Paul is deaf.

The passing clouds mock the sky’s stasis and purity.

I always enjoy hearing a newscaster, covering a court case, say “co-dependent” instead of “co-defendant.”

You can keep your Sistine Chapel; I would rather have an apple.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)  

John Jaques & Son, of Thornton Heath, published “French for Fun.”  The box promises that it’s “The most popular game ever published.”  That’s nice to know.  It’s yet another variation on the model of “Happy Families,” with sober renditions of food and household items to teach vocabulary.  This is the only omelet I’ve seen depicted in a card game; I’ve never thought about it, but they must be difficult to draw.

(Posted by Doug Skinner.  Merci à Angela Alverson.) 

Why are humans so fond of rectangles?  They’re rare in nature, but we use them for everything.

Feeling in a funky mood?  Try a little monkey food.

Rock & roll purists insist you should never use more than three chords.  If you use more, do you have to wear a scarlet 4 on your shirt?

Not all superstitions are foolish; it is, in fact, good luck to find a $20 bill.

When in doubt, doubt.

Never eat anything you wouldn’t put in your mouth.

In a monetized society, work earns money, and leisure costs money.  Activities that neither earn nor spend are stigmatized.

(T)OUCH

Government without religion is like a lunatic without a knife.

You made your bed; now lie about it.

The penny shows Lincoln’s head; shouldn’t the other coins show the rest of him?

(Posted by Doug Skinner)