You should always wash the hand which
You will use to hold the sandwich.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who joke that there are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don’t; and those who don’t.

My father made breakfast with a stopwatch; so that the eggs, toast, and coffee would all be done at exactly the same time.

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they quote the Bible.

The moth cannot resist the light;
Its children eat your pants at night.

A woman approached me on the subway platform. “Is that a ukulele?” she asked. “Yes,” I said. “Oh,” she said, “that’s a good instrument for children, or for people who find the guitar too daunting.” I explained that I preferred the uke to the guitar. “Oh,” she sneered, “maybe you should learn to be more tolerant.”

Recently, I went with friends to a bar, only to encounter a bouncer who wanted two forms of ID, which he also wanted to scan, so there would be a record of who was in the bar and when. We went elsewhere.

How convenient that the alphabet is in alphabetical order!

Excuse me, sir; I beg your pardon:
Please don’t do that in my garden.

Actually, it’s not “Notre Dame”; it’s “Votre.”

A harpy cannot play the harp,
Because her talons are too sharp.

(Posted by Doug Skinner.  The drawing is by Frank C. Papé.)