transparent venetian blinds As finance and communication become exclusively digital, two unexpected casualties: stamps and coins. ice in the shape of flames suits with two pairs of pants; shirts with three sleeves? smorgasmortgage Why plastic wood, but no wooden plastic? a globe aquarium, with opaque land and clear oceans, so tiny fish will seem like […]

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The “King James Version” of the Bible gives every indication of a garbled text.  Some words are omitted (for example, that curious hapax legomenon, επιουσιος, in the Pater Noster); some words seem to be approximations or guesswork (particularly the names of animals and musical instruments).  Much of it simply makes little sense. We encounter similar […]

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the metric fork: ten tines If you feel the need to barf, Hit the sidewalk, not your scarf. tea-flavored coffee a lenticular dollar bill, so Washington can change expression falling awake Since newspapers and napkins are both disposable, why not combine them into one product? Stop watching the stopwatch! to discourage moths, a sweater made […]

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We found a toxin! Sound the tocsin! It’s always disturbing to see a pigeon pecking at fried chicken. a parrot mimicking a man mimicking a parrot coins shaped like puzzle pieces, so you can assemble them to make a dollar At the diner, a waiter asked a customer what kind of cheese he wanted on […]

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2-D glasses “Symmetry” and “cemetery” are fitting homonyms: what is more moribund than the mirrored bilateral? Coin new words; otherwise, you’re just cooking with leftovers. a single signal The best way to be offensive is to be strongly defensive. I cannot recall my christening; I suppose I wasn’t listening. bad bon bons: mauvais mauvais With […]

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Observation is obfuscation. The umbrella protects rain from humans. musk scum a broadcaster’s pleonasm: “constitutional rights according to the Constitution” Birds of a feather fight together. cartons of cartoons A drawing is less successful the more it resembles its subject; fiction the more it resembles fact. white noise from a wet nose To gauge the […]

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a smelling aid: a device you clamp on your nose to amplify odors a spontaneous portmanteau word from a newscaster: “Buffany” (for Buffalo and Albany) heresy / hearsay Can’t we just yell at each other without disagreeing? the 88 keys of the piano: one for each constellation sellphone Amour and toujours, love and above: the […]

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Some anti-depressants carry warnings that they may increase suicidal tendencies. food-doofus What part of “what part of” don’t you understand? Joan of Arc’s story arc newscaster slip: “chiefs of stash” for “chiefs of staff” Are deists monarchists? If you give a man a fish, you can feed him for a day. If you give a […]

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If you’re so smart, how come you’re not intelligent? Children hate everything they learn in school.  Perhaps we should re-institute school prayer. Beat the drum and sound the trumpet! Take the garbage out and dump it! The penny is unique, currency worth so little it’s liminal: a financial schwa. a book whose text negates itself […]

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Why are people so fond of positivism? Do they really trust their own senses and intellects? I have another anecdote that shows my sister’s personality. She was a committed member of the Daughters of the American Revolution; when I mentioned that I thought they were wrong to bar Marian Anderson from Constitution Hall, her response […]

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