The Air at the Top of the Bottle

The Ullage Group header image 1


June 11th, 2008 · 3 Comments


Our seemingly interminable presidential campaign rattles on. Perhaps you’ve noticed. But don’t fret: I won’t add to the gab about the candidates.

I would only like to remark that millions of dollars are collected and spent in the process. We often worry about the source of those millions, and take pains that no one udder be milked too much, so that our public servants will remain incorruptible. We seem less concerned with how those millions are spent.

Our government is an odd hybrid: part oligarchy, part republic (with a few sprinkles of theocracy and synarchy for spice). It’s mostly an oligarchy, efficiently rigged to operate for and by the wealthy, but elections are still crucial to it. After all, cheap labor without representation would be tyranny, wouldn’t it?

And so it is that the millionaires who run for office must solicit millions for their campaigns. As far as I can tell, these funds are spent mostly on promotion: consultants, advertising, and travel.

Given our current problems, economic and otherwise, is that really the best use of those millions? Are those really the best places in our economy for the influx? And, incidentally, do we really need all those carbon footprints, as candidates jet from photo-op to photo-op?

No, of course not. I suggest, then, that those millions be put into escrow, and a tally kept on a website. Citizens can then follow the contest, and vote for whoever racks up the most dollars. After the winner is installed as spiritual pooh-bah, the money can be spent on the deficit, disaster relief, our crumbling infrastructure, and other expenses formerly covered by the federal government.

I’m sure there will be objections to this plan; that some citizens won’t find it flashy enough. Thanks to YouTube, however, candidates can still air sex scandals, spout scripture, bear false witness, and cut up in all the usual ways that jollify voters and spark contributions. We may have to tighten our belts, but our eyes can remain glazed. It’s worth a try. After all, millions are at stake.

(Posted by Doug Skinner)

Tags: Suggestions

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Lisa // Jun 12, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    As long as my eyes can remain glazed…

  • 2 mamie // Jun 12, 2008 at 9:47 pm

    Can the millions in escrow be spent to arrange canned safaris for the losing candidates so they won’t have to cry too much?

  • 3 Doug // Jun 13, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    I think the losers can afford their own safaris. Let’s put those millions where they can do some good.

Leave a Comment